Identity

I love weekends.

I usually spend them in Pleasant Grove with my friend Brittany.

Lets be honest, when you live at home with Mom and Dad, weekends aren't super exciting. Although I love them dearly.

This weekend we had some pretty exciting plans.

I just so happened to be the weekend of the Cirque Lodge Alumni Reunion.

I was really apprehensive about going but it was important to Brittany, so tag along I would.

Friday started out with a dinner in the auditorium/ropes course room. Alright food. Good company. Pretty room. Then, we moved into a program where a few people spoke: the guy over the horses, Dave, Mr. Losee (Mrs. Losee sang a song), Gary, who cries a lot, and one of the alumni. A. Maz. ING! Afterward we circled up, all 200+ of us, just like in an AA meeting, where they had this gong thing (I seriously CANNOT remember the real name) where there was one gong for every former resident who had passed away. I was a blubbering fool. I kept thinking of everyone I have known affected by addiction, therefore affecting me.

My brother Cameron.

My cousin Garrett.

My cousin Craig.

The patient who came into Jordan Valley this week in full arrest because of an overdose who passed away.

And numerous friends and patients who come to the lab regularly for blood work.

People I know. And I just kept thinking how each one of them could be a gong that night.

The cute old man next to me in the circle up, a recovering alcoholic and former resident, held my hand tight and later thanked me for my show of emotion telling me how grateful he was for it and how refreshing it was. He was so nice and sweet.

Saturday there was a bonfire up at Aspen Grove up by Sundance where there was a meeting where people shared different experiences around the fire. As I sat and listened to them all, I noticed something.

About their identity.

They always identified by who they ARE. Not were. Not could be. Not NOT.

ARE.

Hi, my name is Erin, and I am a daughter of God. I'm imperfect. I'm afraid. But I trust, like all these people who have gone through way more than I ever will, that my higher power, my Heavenly Father, knows the bigger picture and has a plan for me.

I am going to be alright.

Thank you Cirque, Alumni, and Brittany for an AMAZING weekend!!!!!

Everything I've ever dreamed...yet nothing can be done about it.

For those of you that know me well, you know this one thing about me: I want, more than anything, to be married and have babies. I hate going to bed alone at night. When my friends complain about their kids being brats I remind them that not all of us have that opportunity. When my married friends complain about something stupid their husband did/does I remind them they were lucky enough to find a good one and to be grateful.

There are lots of us girls that don't get those opportunities and never will.

We are coming to terms with the fact that the older we get the more and more young men in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints aren't keeping their convents or doing their priesthood duty and are putting off marriage.

And I'm not just saying that.

In the April 2011 Priesthood Session of General Conference, President Thomas S. Monson said the following:

"Now, I have thought a lot lately about you young men who are of an age to marry but who have not yet felt to do so. I see lovely young ladies who desire to be married and to raise families, and yet their opportunities are limited because so many young men are postponing marriage.

"This is not a new situation. Much has been said concerning this matter by past Presidents of the Church. I share with you just one or two examples of their counsel.

"Said President Harold B. Lee, “We are not doing our duty as holders of the priesthood when we go beyond the marriageable age and withhold ourselves from an honorable marriage to these lovely women.”

"President Gordon B. Hinckley said this: “My heart reaches out to … our single sisters, who long for marriage and cannot seem to find it. … I have far less sympathy for the young men, who under the customs of our society, have the prerogative to take the initiative in these matters but in so many cases fail to do so.”

HI! Three PROPHETS OF GOD are saying this!!! Yet, still, men are postponing marriage.

Which leaves more and more of us single ladies pining for marriage and family.

What hurts even more is that girls like me don't get married. Guys don't want a girl that is a returned missionary. Guys don't want a girl who reads, who is educated. Guys don't want a girl who had ambitions in life. Guys don't want a girl who is endowed an knowledgeable in the Gospel. Guys don't want a girl who has a full time job that is also her career.

And I'm not the only girl in my situation that feels this way. My friends Nicole and Brittany are in the same boat I am.

Nicole has been told that she's single because she is a return missionary and too smart.

Brittany has been told she's single because she is endowed and intimidating.

We have a few words of advice for the young men out there: GROW A PAIR!!!!!

Life, even married life, is not as hard as you think it is. And it's a lot easier when you have someone to get through the tough times with. I understand that you want someone dumb who can't handle anything so you feel macho and all...but let's be honest here. Someone smart, put together, and more than ready to settle down is a lot easier to deal with then someone dumb, who has no clue what they want in life, and who has a mid-life crisis at the age of 24.

Moral of the story is: I pretty much hate my life. It's not what I want it to be. I'm trying my hardest to make it what I would want it to be but it's not easy.

I'm having to give up a lifelong dream because douche-baggery is becoming an epidemic.