And the difference is...

I've been accused lately of freaking out. I don't freak out. I get confused, yes. Freak out, no. And there is a big difference. Freaking out consists of hysterically crying, accusing the other party of atrocities that are not true, not letting the other party get a word in edgewise, not accepting one's responsibilities, etc. Confusion consists of not knowing what is going on with the other party and therefore you don't know what to say, do, think, etc. I am confused. Not freaking out. I have no idea what the other party is currently thinking about things and therefore I don't know what to say or do. I may occasionally do something irrational due to that confusion, but never freak out. I am a very simple girl to understand and to be accused of freaking out and being complicated is not very fun. I need my sleep. I need a shower, but only every other day. I need food. And I need communication. The end. If all of these are fulfilled, I will be a satisfied girl. But once one of those is taken out of the equation, sometimes I don't know how to react. I never freak out though. Its something that I always thought was stupid and therefore always tried NEVER to do. But confusion is a natural emotion and I am definitely confused beyond all reason. And its really starting to bother me not knowing whats going on. Communication is the key missing point here and that, to me, is a very important point. And contrary to popular belief I am not a mind reader and therefore cannot decipher what the other party is thinking in this situation. Just tell me like it is and I'll be happy. End of discussion.

DONE

You know how sometimes we are forced in this life to be strong and hold on and all that garbage?! Well I'm DONE. I'm not giving up completely on life, but I'm DONE having to be strong for certain people. I'm DONE crying myself to sleep. I'm DONE hoping for things that can't be. I'm DONE waiting for certain people to catch a clue. I'm DONE loving someone who doesn't care. I'm DONE lying to myself about things. I'm DONE with the up and down emotions. I'm DONE holding on to dreams that don't exsist. I'm DONE trying to be happy when I'm not. I'm DONE faking that everything is hunky dory when it ain't. I'm DONE telling people that I'm alright when I'm clearly not. I'm DONE not knowing what the future holds. I'm DONE not telling him the truth. I'm DONE waiting for him to come to me. I'm DONE with him not caring. I'm DONE crying over him. I'm DONE hoping for him. I'm DONE, DONE, DONE! Ok........so maybe not.........maybe i still love him. maybe i still care. maybe i still have some strength left in me. maybe i'll still cry. maybe i'll still hope. maybe i'll hold on a little longer. maybe i'll still wait. maybe i'll still fake it. maybe i'll still have faith. maybe i'll tell him the truth. maybe i'll just go to him. maybe i still care enough. maybe i'll just cry to him. maybe i'll still hope for him. but just maybe. not promising anything. just maybe. thank you for letting me get that out. thats all i needed. now its bed time. my alarm goes off in 3 hours. curse this 4:30 a.m. crap. oh well. maybe. maybe i'll talk to him tomorrow. maybe. maybe......this would make a good song...hmmm...maybe....

BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY I WAS ABLE TO DO IT! I wrote my first song tonight!!! It was so weird...as I knelt down to say my prayers, I had so many thoughts going through my head, but none of them were a coherent prayer. I just sat there thinking and I suddenly jumped up and grabbed my notebook! Twenty minutes later, I had it! I'd always had friends that would tell me "it'll come when it comes, don't try and force it" THEY SURE WERE RIGHT! Its not a very happy song...it just expresses alot of what I have been feeling lately. It was good to get it out on paper...and now I am sharing it with you! Please give me all the feedback you can dish out! Its only my first one...I need it! Enjoy!

Never Enough For You...

The hugs and the kisses

The prayers and the wishes

I've tried and I've failed

to let you know I care

I don't know what else I can do

to tell you I'll always be there

CHORUS:

There's so much I want to say

But I hold it all inside

My love for you is so strong

and many nights I've cried

I'm so afraid of losing you

but it seems no matter how hard I try

Its never enough for you

I've been tempted many times

to tell you how I feel

To let you know I'll never leave you

and my love for you is real

I know it hasn't been that long

You've changed my life for good

I never want this feeling to end

but I am so scared that it could

CHORUS

You are my first thought in the morning

My last prayer at night

I want to tell you everything

and be the one that you hold tight

The one you dream with, cry with, laugh with

The one you love every day and night

CHORUS

Its never enough for you...

I wish it were enough for you...

Manti

in about an hour i will be heading to manti, utah for the pageant. i am looking forward to it in a way...i can't wait to take a bunch of pictures of the temple, and to feel the spirit on the temple grounds. i really need that right now. i will definitely post the pictures that i take but for now...enjoy someone else's beautiful picture of the manti utah temple.