Never-Never Land

"In his address at the BYU spring 2005 commencement exercise, Elder Earl C. Tingey of the Seventy referred to an article in a recent issue of Time magazine. It states that the years from 18 to 25 have become “a distinct and separate life stage, a strange, transitional never-never land between adolescence and adulthood in which people stall for a few extra years, [postponing] … adult responsibility.” The article describes these transitional individuals as “permanent adolescents, … twentysomething Peter Pans.” Putting this analysis in terms more familiar to his audience of BYU graduates and their families, Elder Tingey spoke of “the indecision some college graduates have in … accepting the responsibilities of marriage and family.”

"This tendency to postpone adult responsibilities, including marriage and family, is surely visible among our Latter-day Saint young adults. The average age at marriage has increased in the last few decades, and the number of children born to LDS married couples has decreased. It is timely to share some concerns about some current practices in the relationships of young LDS singles in North America.

"Knowledgeable observers report that dating has nearly disappeared from college campuses and among young adults generally. It has been replaced by something called “hanging out.” You young people apparently know what this is, but I will describe it for the benefit of those of us who are middle-aged or older and otherwise uninformed. Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating.

"For the benefit of some of you who are not middle-aged or older, I also may need to describe what dating is. Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases.

"What has made dating an endangered species?"

This is one of my ALLTIME FAVORITE talks from Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. It is called Dating Versus Hanging Out. It has really bothered me of late that dates are completely non-exsistent. Todays males have resorted to what they knew how to do in high school-hang out.

I really think that we do boys an injustice in the early dating years (16-19) by telling them that dating is a "bad" thing. Hey boys...DATING IS GOOD!!! The only thing we are encouraged not to do is date exclusively prematurely. VERY understandable and I completely agree with this. But, the impression that young men are getting is that dating is bad overall and that they shouldn't do it at all. Therefore, they hang out. After high school, they maybe get one year of college in...maybe less...and then they go on their missions. After coming home from their missions, the are told to get married. But the only thing they know how to do is HANG OUT. They don't know how to date. They don't know how to take a girl on a nice night out that doesn't cost a fortune. So they resort to what they know is safe a reliable. Hanging out.

One thing they don't know how to do is to find dates that are inexpensive and fun. I recently went on a date with a friend from high school who had recently returned from his mission. He asked me "How do I date now? What do I do?!" He didn't know how to date for marriage! I was shocked! I had to teach him how to date all over again. I had to give him ideas for dating that would help him get to know girls well and that would be inexpensive and yet fun. He asked a million questions on what to to even do and how to act.

What are we going to do about this? And as Elder Oaks said "What has made dating an endangered species?" Well, I think the answer is-WE have made dating an endangered species. And guys these days need to get the courage up and just ask girls out. It doesn't need to be anything big or expensive. Go for ice cream. Go for a drive. Rent a movie. Make her dinner. BUT ASK THE GIRL OUT FOR HEAVENS SAKE! The worst she can say is no. And that doens't make you any less of a man for doing so.

"...The more elaborate and expensive the date, the fewer the dates. As dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment. That expectation discourages dating even more. Gone is the clumsy and inexpensive phone call your parents and grandparents and I used to make. That call went something like this: “What’re ya doin’ tonight? How about a movie?” Or, “How about taking a walk downtown?” Cheap dates like that can be frequent and nonthreatening, since they don’t seem to imply a continuing commitment.

"Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to “shop around” in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out...

"There is another possible contributing factor to the demise of dating and the prominence of the culture of hanging out. For many years the Church has counseled young people not to date before age 16. Perhaps some young adults, especially men, have carried that wise counsel to excess and determined not to date before 26 or maybe even 36.

"Men, if you have returned from your mission and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship. It’s marriage time. That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it. If you don’t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off."

I will now get off my soap box. But I hope you will all encourage those men around you to man up and ask a girl on a date. The end.