At least its supposed to be. The last week has been really rough and I really wish that there were something to look forward to. Usually this time of year is happy and fun with time to spend with family and friends. Right now I want to crawl in a hole and cry. Or just not get out of bed. I know that life isn't supposed to be fair...but let me just add a 10-year-old-esque whine in here: This is TOTALLY unfair.
I am once again let down without any answers other than "I don't know what else to say." And sorry just didn't cut it. As I sat there on the phone and bawled my eyes out, knowing things were officially over, I didn't feel like 'sorry' was really heartfelt. There was only callousness on the other end. There wasn't even the decency to be in private. Just once I wish I held at least a couple of the cards. But when it comes to this, I never have. Its never been up to me.
I really could use something to look forward to...something to keep me going. Right now all I have is halted mission plans and moving home. I'm to the point where I don't want to hold things together anymore. I don't want to put on a brave front and act like everything will be ok. Because right now...everything is NOT ok. So if I don't smile, if I don't reply to you with some cheerful remark, if you feel like I've been especially rude to you, or if I completely ignore you I apologize in advance. I really don't mean it. I know that I shouldn't, but I'm going to just take the time I need to sulk and be alone.
I really am grateful for the friends and family I have right now though...its times like these that you learn who really cares about you and who means the most. I love all of you who have been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on or just some time to vent. Thank you for being there for me. One thing I am sure of: As we move into yet another holiday season, I am truly gratful for my Savior and for the sacrifice he made for me. I would not be able to survive life right now if I did not have that knowledge. I don't want to do the big gatherings and parties and presents and bows this year...Just some quiet time to be with family is all I need right now. Where I don't have to put on a front and I can be surrounded by people who truly care.
4 comments:
Oh erin, this makes my heart hurt for you. I don't know what you are going through exactly, however I know that life is not easy and i am sorry for your pain. life has a funny way of working out and i am sure you will be able to look back and realize why you had to endure this heartbreak. it is really hard to lose people or things that you love.
hey girl, just want to let you know i'm thinking of you. i know what you're going through and it is tough. take all the time you need and cherish family time. that's what helps me :) sure love you and hope you know that.
Hang in there lady. This part really sucks, take the time you need and remember that this is all leading you to what you really want. It will all work out for you, it always does for good people :). Still not any fun though!
I love you Erin. I wish I could give you a big fat hug right now. And it all doesn't have to be okay right away. And it probably won't be. Have memorable times with your family, and know that someone in Hobble Creek Canyon loves you and is routing for you whatever you're doing.
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