At least its supposed to be. The last week has been really rough and I really wish that there were something to look forward to. Usually this time of year is happy and fun with time to spend with family and friends. Right now I want to crawl in a hole and cry. Or just not get out of bed. I know that life isn't supposed to be fair...but let me just add a 10-year-old-esque whine in here: This is TOTALLY unfair.
I am once again let down without any answers other than "I don't know what else to say." And sorry just didn't cut it. As I sat there on the phone and bawled my eyes out, knowing things were officially over, I didn't feel like 'sorry' was really heartfelt. There was only callousness on the other end. There wasn't even the decency to be in private. Just once I wish I held at least a couple of the cards. But when it comes to this, I never have. Its never been up to me.
I really could use something to look forward to...something to keep me going. Right now all I have is halted mission plans and moving home. I'm to the point where I don't want to hold things together anymore. I don't want to put on a brave front and act like everything will be ok. Because right now...everything is NOT ok. So if I don't smile, if I don't reply to you with some cheerful remark, if you feel like I've been especially rude to you, or if I completely ignore you I apologize in advance. I really don't mean it. I know that I shouldn't, but I'm going to just take the time I need to sulk and be alone.
I really am grateful for the friends and family I have right now though...its times like these that you learn who really cares about you and who means the most. I love all of you who have been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on or just some time to vent. Thank you for being there for me. One thing I am sure of: As we move into yet another holiday season, I am truly gratful for my Savior and for the sacrifice he made for me. I would not be able to survive life right now if I did not have that knowledge. I don't want to do the big gatherings and parties and presents and bows this year...Just some quiet time to be with family is all I need right now. Where I don't have to put on a front and I can be surrounded by people who truly care.
