I know I blog about this a lot...but when it literally is my whole life it's hard not to think about ALL THE TIME.
I've had a rough couple weeks. I have not been in a good place in life. I anger easily. Say hurtful things. And spend a lot of time alone. And retail therapy hasn't been nice on the wallet.
I just can't seem to snap out of it.
I listen to Conference. Like, all the time.
I'm tired and most days it's a chore to get out of bed.
I'm just not a pleasant person to be around. My thoughts are constantly consumed with one thing: my "singlehood." This is the one big trial in my life.
My health is good.
I'm relatively financially stable (as stable as paying off debt gets.)
I have parents and friends who love me.
I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
I have clothes to wear and keep me warm.
I have a good job.
I really have nothing lacking. I should be very happy and grateful. But when you don't get the one thing you'd give any of the above up to have, it's hard to be grateful.
I have lately been reading The Great and Terrible series. A series written by an LDS author about the premortal life, the last days, and the Great War with Satan we are still fighting. I just finished the fourth of six books about 20 minutes ago. It left me in tears and feeling very selfish, ungrateful, and like a schmuck.
I am so lucky to live in a time with the Gospel. Where I know what the Lord's plan is for me, in general at least. I have loving Heavenly parents. I came to this earth to prove my allegiance to my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I was born into a family with the Gospel and in a country where I can live that Gospel with very little or no persecution. I live within an hour of 8, soon to be 10 temples. TEN!!!! I know where I will be going after this life.
But one other thing I thought as I read the end of the book is this: Satan remembers me. Well. He remembers how I fought in the premortal world. He remembers what I did to bring him down. He swore after being cast out to bring all the noble and great ones down. Completely. And he'll use any way he can. Now, I'm worthy for the most part. But Satan knows me well enough that he knows its not the big things he'll get me with. It's the little things.
Prayer. Scripture study. Attitude. Language. How I choose to spend my time. He knows me that well. And that scares me.
From now on, I choose to throw off Satan. To be the one that when I wake up he says "oh crap...she's up." I miss being that happy. Being in such a good place that I feel like nothing can bring me down.